One day a penguin was driving his car through the middle of the desert and it suddenly broke down. He called road side assistance and they sent a mechanic out to fix his car. While the mechanic was working on his car the penguin spotted an ice cream stand across the street. He decided to go get him a vanilla ice cream cone. After he finished his ice cream cone he walked back over to his car to talk to the mechanic. The mechanic looked down at the penguin and said “I think we found the problem. Looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin pointed at his face and said “Naw man that’s ice cream.” …

One liners in here:

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog - you know he’ll shut up when he comes in.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 24 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago: “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake.”